To my family with love

While this may be the most boring blog you have ever read, it is more to get my mind straight while being and open and honest to those I love. It's also probably the longest written apology I have ever made.

A few months back, I posted a blog on giving myself the gift of fitness. The gift is still going strong and I am adjusting to this life change gradually. Prior to considering exercise or life style change I looked in to the option of discontinuing birth control methods to further increase weight loss. 

I'm not pregnant.

Let's just clear that up right now. 

I opted to discontinue BC for more reasons than one and I have to give a big shout out to those who can take it. 

Pardon my language here but that crap royally mind fucks you and quite frankly kills your metabolism along with all of your natural hormone rhythm. For me, the drug not only killed all of that but it also made me crazy. When I say crazy, I don't mean like looney tunes hyper, I mean bat shit insane in the membrane. 

It may come as a bit of a surprise to some that after the birth of lily I suffered a mild case of PPD(post-partum depression) which is becoming common apprently. Doc said there was no issue as long as I didn't have thoughts of harming my child or those I loved. He prescribed BC in hopes to normalize my hormones which would then apprently rid the ppd from my system as if it was a cold. 

The longer I stayed on BC the more I hated life (never hated my child) just my life itself. 

Side note: thoughts of dramatic emo preteens just flooded my mind. Ha! 

Okay, back to business... My hormones were completely messed up. I felt like a totally different person. Like a raging bitch zombie. Literally everything and anything made me snap. But I couldn't stop taking it because I was and am still so afraid to get pregnant again. Kids are not for everyone and I love my daughter to the moon and back but so help me if I accidently give her a sibling. Sorry, but no amount of pro-life will help. I'm just keeping it real here. Looking back, you probably could have baker acted my ass. Someone should have. I quit two jobs and put my family in debt by doing so. Couponing wasn't saving our budget.

Long story short, I knew my BC prescription ended in december. My love for fitness overcame my infertility desires and it was single handedly THE best decision I have ever made. I never knew how much the drug took hold of my normal emotions and life until a month and a half after discontinuing it. 

I don't want to say I am 💯 percent my normal self, but I do know enough to know my whole family deserves one big ass apology the size of jupiter. No amount of I'm sorry is going to do justice and no, I am not at liberty to discuss who, what, when, where and why. They know who they are. 

There is no scarier feeling than losing touch with yourself and I couldn't imagine going through it again. No woman should have to go through ppd or depression/anxiety and not feel like theselves after giving birth. The billboards and magazines tell us to get help but advertisments don't help us with the fear. No family should have to suffer as well. Of course it sounds cheesy but please if you or a loved one suffers, seek help. 

I am thanking the higher ups for opening my eyes to the issue and finally letting me see what needed to be done. I am starting 2015 out the best way I know how with a now stable job which I look forward to every day and a clear mind. My journey is still continuing and I know I am not out of the woods yet, but I am glad I am just one step closer. 

To my friends and family, I am sorry.

-shelbylynn nystrom