The struggle

"You aren't broke because you spent your rent money on booze, you are broke because you paid and continue to pay your bills every month and never let them get behind.."

Guys, I'm not gonna lie. I have been having some serious thoughts lately. My job is easy and nowhere near challenging. I have nothing to push for at work. My life is too routine.

The worst part of being a working mother? Being a working mother on night shift. There is nothing that makes my heart hurt more than knowing I won't be tucking my daughter in on work nights. I will come home by one a.m and go to bed without kissing her goodnight. When I wake up, she is already up, fed and dressed for the day. 

The worst part of being a working wife? Being a working wife on night shift. I read something the other day that said when husband and wife go to bed together, they have a stronger bond and are more likely to argue less. I couldn't agree more. Josh and I would snuggle under the covers the same time every night, no later than 10pm. We would wake up at the same time and help each other with Lily. Even before Lily was born, we would both wake up and cuddle then get out of bed and make the bed together and brush our teeth together. Our routine, as weird as it may seem, was one I cheerished. 

I left my previous job not with intentions for the grass to be greener, but with intentions of being able to provide for my family. Sadly, I am providing for a family I never get to see. I take care of my daughter a whopping 4 hours per day and see my husband a total of 2 hours per day when I can wake up early enough. Thank god for modern technology, otherwise I would never get to talk to him. i didn't marry my best friend to never speak to him. I sure as hell didn't have an adorable daughter with him just for him to raise her on his own. 

I drove to work the other day and had a panic attack in the parking lot. I couldn't will my body to get out of the car. I couln't do another day of night shift. I called my roommate and bestie for some sage advice. He couldn't have been more spot on. 

I am twenty-two, married, own a house, two cars and have a child. He asked me if I could pay my bills. Unsure how to answer I just said "yes?" 

To which he replied, "you are twenty-two, married, own a house, two cars and are raising a child. Your bills are paid. You aren't broke because you spent your money on booze, like most twenty two year olds. You are broke because you paid and continue to pay your bills every month and NEVER let them get behind. You have the money management skills of someone a lot older than yourself. No, you can't afford a steak every night, hell, you haven't done something nice for yourself in years. You haven't gotten a mani/pedi since god knows when. You cried over buying clothes for work since you weren't spending money on your child. At the end of the month, your bills are paid in full and your daughter is healthy. Your bank account has no extra money because when you get it, you give it to someone in need. If that doesn't say something about yourself, I don't know what will. You can find a new job in a heart-beat. Nothing is holding you back. When you put your mind to something, you are going to do it and to the fullest." 

He hit the nail on the head. Bam! 

My job is easy and no where near challenging but I have one. I'm broke but my bills are paid. My child is happy and healthy. My house is in good array. My car runs.

My life is routine but I can change it. And my family is here to support me. I'm leaving my current job but will still continue to work and help my husband raise our daughter. Money doesn't matter as long as the bills are paid. We are more happy being broke than making a little extra money and never seeing each other. Life isn't about money, it's about memories. I can't make memories where I am pushed to make money. 

Here's to making memories instead of cash and smiling instead of crying. Everything happens for a reason and our roller coaster will still continue.