For the love of chucky cheese.

The time has come mommies. Put your child in the sand pit and step away for a glass of lemonade. What I am attempting to communicate with everyone may cause a disagreement. My blog. My words. My life. My opinion. (Small disclaimer)

My facebook has been riddled these past months with adorable photos of friends babies, car seat safety FAQs, and general parenting tips, tricks and life hacks. All things which are well and good. I read them and store the nugget of knowledge in my brain for occaisional reference.

I have also noticed an influx of paranoid posts or generally random writings on "little timmy getting a boo-boo", "little tina is sick again" "what do I do? My child just did/did not do xyz and it is causing me to feel some type of way". 

Listen up mommies, this may shock you but I can assure you that your child is perfectly friggin' fine. I get it! You are a helicopter mom who has to watch your childs every move. You constantly feel the need to exaggerate a "condition" or place them with a "sypmtom" because it is easier than just letting them be a kid. Please for the love of chucky cheese..let your kid be a kid.

Shit happens.

Timmy is going to get sick. There is a difference between sick and sniffles. Just because little timmy sneezed and some green goop came out of his nose does not indeed mean he is ill. Stop examining your childs snot, wipe it up, and tickle him while making sneezing noises together. 

My favorite posts are the ones about taking tina to the doctors because she looks left when she takes a bite of food. (Not really, I am exaggerating here. Work with me) You have seen them, they are typically followed with pray for my baby. 

No! What I will pray for, however, is some common sense to be instilled in your body.

I know you have seen that post circulating at least once every three months that talks about "I'm such a 80s/90s kid that I..." It goes on to list the "dangers" us kids did and the way we were parented and came out fine. Given my knowledge of my rearing and witnessing first hand accounts of family members parenting styles, I took a vow to never be that paranoid parent. When you truly break down the facts, it just makes sense. 

1. Timmy will get sick. Please stop rushing him off to the hospital and using your free government medical insurance. Stop wiping the handle of the grocery carts. Did you know that at least 20 hands have touched that box of cookies on isle 3? And here you are in fear of germs when there are literally thousands all over hundreds of products in your local grocery store.

2. Please leave your child unattended for five minutes during the day. Go grab your smoke break, glass of wine, fold some laundry. I promise you after those fives minutes are up, not only will you feel refreshed but you also may see that little tina is still in the same damn room quietly playing with her binky or stuffed animals. It is this thing called detached parenting. I know you love your baby and your baby knows you love her. Give her space and let her grow.

3. Stop padding, protecting and locking everything in your home. With the exception of a gun safe, there is no need for all the the locks. Some of the best memories I have is being able to hide all day under the kitchen cabinets with a flashlight. I would occaisionally jump out and scare the shit out of my mom and have a grand old laugh. Put down the cell phone for five minutes and get off of social media and you wont need to have electrical outlet plugs. Teach your child the meaning "no" or "not for babies." Same goes for chemicals your child is not to ingest, there are warning labels that clearly say keep out of reach. If I dont want josh to get something I put it up high...same goes for small children. They can only climb so high.

4. If they fall, kiss their boo-boo and move about your day. You may even have to slip a "thats what happens when you dont listen" statement in there after their tears are gone. I promise you it is not going to compromise their self esteem. 

5. Put your child in a sanbox and stop being a helicopter. Period. 

If parents keep this helicopter trend up, pretty soon the world will be filled with a bunch of spoiled, sheltered, mommy/daddy dependent kids who wont move out until they are 35. Your child should count on you to parent them. (Not depend on you to parent them) Dependant vs self-sufficient. 

But hey! Its your kid. Your life. Your skill set. If you want a married 35 year old living under your roof with no chance of you ever retiring...thats not me. 

Not my circus, not my monkies. 

-Nystroms & Nugget