Baby envy and emotional roller coasters

Whether your pregnancy was meticulously planned,medically coaxed,or happened by surprise, one thing is certain-your life will never be the same. ~ Catherine jones

 My life, along with all of my other mommy friends, is changing. I am beginning to love a little Nugget that bounces all too much and blissfully swims in my womb.  So much love in fact that it should come as no surprise when a miscarriage scare happened, our world was turned upside down in a matter of minutes. Heck, I can even go as far to say a matter of seconds. Josh and I both came to love this tiny blip of a life inside of me. We were surrounded with love and affection from friends and family welcoming the new bundle I am carrying in my body. 

Every day there is a small ritual performed. Josh kisses baby good morning and kisses baby goodnight, with the occasional whisper of sweet nothings that make my stomach flip and my heart ache. 

Our first scare was in Tallahassee. Heavy cramping followed by light bleeding which would have any new mom racing for the nearest hospital. We called both sets of parents to let them know of our events and they talked us through the excruciating tension of nine hours of sitting and waiting for anything to happen. No one tells you from the get-go that if you have an event like this occur, doctors (no matter how much they care) have to follow protocol. No matter how much you love this precious little life inside of you, they can not do much but to let baby come out or work through the stress. 

Scare number two, just hours ago from the time of writing this blog, had us in fits. After going through round one of a miscarriage mishap, I definitely wasn't in the greatest mood for sitting in a waiting room listening to Oliver and his mom being called in before us even though we were there hours before them. I was not in the mood to see John Doe with a bloody nose, pass through the double doors and be sped along on his journey out. We sat fearfully pleading with God for ten hours this time. Begging the Lord to save our baby. Mercifully coaxing friends and family to pray that our Nugget was okay.

I had lost amniotic fluid like no ones business. I panicked. Bleeding started and I knew this was another round. But this round I wasn't so hopeful. I downright knew that Nugget was going to be lost. God would need our angel in heaven and I would be left in a two bedroom house. Left with an empty womb and sad eyes.  Left with empty dreams of a gorgeous nursery and stupid pins on Pinterest. 

The road to baby baking wasn't an easy one. I was told early on by doctors that I wouldn't be able to conceive because of the way my ovulation cycle was and because of the possible threat of cervical cancer. They wanted to remove my cervix due to mild dysplasia. I never went back to have any more procedures done. I secretly wanted a little bundle one day in my life and I couldn't let them remove my hope. I put my life in harms way of cancer so I could have my baby.

Seeing a good chunk of my classmates get pregnant and then go off and marry made me sad. I was sad that times were changing and I was stuck in a rut. I didn't choose college and all I knew was I wanted (for lack of a better terms) to grab life by the balls and run with it. I wanted to be knee deep in the knitty-gritty and just swing it. 

Every month I swear more and more young women ended up pregnant. Something inside of me was fuming. I was the person to post rants of "Everyone is getting pregnant and married and I'm just over here like, Hey I made some pancakes." I was truly upset of how happy everyone was and jealous of the belly pictures being posted. 

I had baby envy and no one could stop me.

I had a longing to have a life inside of me no matter how much I swore to family and friends that I wasn't ready. My cousin joked that I was born to be a mama with hips. Within seconds I could have had my whole dream ripped away from me and I really wasn't ready to come to terms with the loss. I was being selfish and spamming up news feeds of how fed up I was. I Never wanted to try to bring another life in this world if I lost the one I had been caring/dreaming about so much. 

Then, suddenly hearing the magical tune of rhythmic thumping and seeing movement. Jumping movement. Everything changed. I was overjoyed but I was enraged. 

How can people just sit there and post those horrible things about people to stop having babies?(see moods; read the picture) For some of us, making a life is all we can dream of. That IS our american dream. Settling down and raising a family in a house with a front porch swing and old time charm. 

Some people are worried about Cheerios, moms are just worried about keeping our kids safe and making it to full term~Tori Granados

All I wanted to do was make sure the life I wanted inside of me so much was healthy. At that moment nothing else mattered.  

I completely understand that some individuals in this world are not at the stage in their life when they want to settle down and have children. But there is no reason to post such hateful things on social media just because you have "baby envy," jealousy or whatever the case may be. Catherine Jones said it best. Your life will never be the same.

Quite frankly, I am amazed at where my life is headed. I am hopeful that everyone I know will be able to deliver full term and I wish nothing but the best for all of the moms and expectant moms out there who want the same as I do. We just want to be able to bring a life in to this world that will one day turn out to do great things and be a positive role model on society... 

xoxo~ Nystroms and (healthy) Nugget.